what do you think about this?
Auction
On the heart of the lush emerald green grass placed a tall shadow figure. The Covering of this shadow was colorless ice. The round lips were as cerise as blood; the eyes were strong with a suggestion of scarlet unseen overdue those ruby obscure eyes. The coat of hair was coffee black. The moonlight was glimmering on his hair and it viewed like strips of light were all over his spit ends. He was wearing a black t shirt with hard to view red ink words. Navy blue slacks, black shoes. I could see from his presence that he was young and in his 20s. His was a beaut it was tough not to gaze. He was so charming that each girl that he has encounters falls in love in him right away just by the first look. He just stand there looking observing around like he is waiting for somebody and I considering that somebody is about to be myself. His isn’t even my business nevertheless I am going to make it shortly. My watch points at 11:50pm I have plenty time to find out who is this guy. I walk out of my 2010 Frisker Karma car. My Christian Louboutin Suede Short Boots Black make echoes of my cracks on the ground as I walk closer and closer to the park. As I walk closer I can smell the boy’s fear of somewhat hazardous thing coming his way.
Answers see additional comments below.
You’ve written a very descriptive paragraph. I think its focus would be improved if you went through and cut down the description to a few “telling” details. Does the grass being lush, or emerald green, add to the tension of the scene? Probably not much. Also cut down the number of “were” passive constructions by including them in the descriptions of any action. “I thought of rubies when I met his scarlet eyes,” etc. That middle part when you describe his charm needs a total rewrite. Try to reduce it to minumum words. Absolutely no need to name the car model or the style of the boots – describe them instead (unless your character is someone like the guy in American Psycho who is so shallow that brand names is all he can think about). Pay some attention to keeping all the verbs in the same tense. An adequate first draft with good descriptive words and a rising sense of tension. Work on making it clearer what is actually happening. Thanks for sharing this.